4 days left

And I jusr want to cry. Haha. Seriously, I dont know why this pattern keeps repeating. Perhaps it's because I have this fear I'll have a change of heart or something. Hayy.

I love it here…

huhuhu. I am dreading going back to the states. :(

Things on my mind

Spoke to Terry earlier and while I dont generally agree with her conservative beliefs, she said she likes to think simply so I'm gonna jot them down here:

Mom's health--well, she's fine right now and we'll just wait until we get back to HI and see what her specialists say.

Work situation--goal is to simply transfer to a different department. Craving for newness!

Not wanting to go back to HI partly because I'll miss the laidback life here--I know for a fact that I'll be back sometime within the next few months (11 months precisely) so I'll continue to earn my money until then :)

A booster

January 6, 2024--as I had mentioned, I previously took sertraline during the pandemic and stopped this year. It helped a lot and in all fairness to me, I learned to not depend on it. However, my excessive hopeless-ness as of recent prompted to start taking it again (like 10 minutes ago). I know that the sadness, feelings of gloominess, and even the thought of crying is a clear sign that my depression may be back. I won't depend on this, but I need a boost of happiness. :( Update: I took 25 mg and I generally feel calmer :)

Catastrophizing

January 6, 2024--Here I am thinking way ahead again. Sigh. Bit seriously, my mind is full of so my fear. :(

Twas a good day

January 5, 2024--Twas a good day. Perhaps one of the best days I've had since the beginning of the year. For once, it's nice to feel the sense of happiness. Perhaps because it wassimply really chill and I had nothing in my agenda, but it turned out to be a rather comforting day. Today consisted of commuting using the public transportation which I loved (something I haven't done in many years here in the PH), eating Jolly Hotdog at the very first Jollibee branch in our area (so much memories), And going to the town where I spent my early days pf elementary school, and introducing it to my 2 year-old nephew. I couldn't ask for more. These are the times and things that I appreciate more than anything in this world.

Emotional

I have been emotional for some time now (like when Fall started this year perhaps). You see, I have dysthamia and I took setraline for a while--which helped the imbalance, but has since stopped so I'm not if this is a contributing factor. But yeah, I get sad about tje littlest things. For instance, the remote control for our new TV is missing and I just want to cry about it. I know it's really silly but perhaps it's just a way for me to express all the frustrations I have. Sigh. To be fair, I feel like so many things go missing lately--my Zegna cap, my blanket, my shorts, even our dog PhilMar (which shattered my heart), so it's been just...frustrating.

Homesick

I've been here in the Philippines since the 23rd of December and I roughly have 1.5 weeks left. And I'm already dreading about going back to the States. I always feel this way, even though I know for a fact that I come back here often (at least once annually). You see, even though life is really in the states at the moment, I can't deny the fact that I fantasize about living here, especially now that jobs have become borderless. But we'll see. For now, I'm going to savor every moment I have left here before FB messengers, Facetime and Zoom with loved ones become the norm again.

Hello from the Philippines!

Hello! I'm currently in my beloved Philippines and every time I'm here, I learn a lesson. Here are some thoughts:

1. Ive learned to embrace everthing about it. Its flaws. Its strenghts. I was born and raised here but educated US so there are instances where I have been critical about certain things. But trully: every country, every culture, every city, every town has its own morres or way of living that must be respected. Blame the western values and ideologies that has sort of brainwashed me. haha.

2. I no longer want to be defined by external factors. Jobs. Titles. Materials things. I appreciate what I have. I really do. But as we all probably learn throughout the pandemic, these things are very much temporary. My goal right now is to simply be in a job where i enjoy the company of people and make enough to sustain a certain lifestyle :)

3. Opening up to others. I appreciate the very few circle of friends I have. I have gone through talk therapy several times, and I acknowledge the science behind it (I after all have a master's in educational psychology.) However, very recently, I have shared to my closest friends about my internal battles, fears, and dreams. It's nice to be heard pala :) Shout out to Mylene, Kuya Lester, Kerin (who said she misses my entries here hehe), and even Joanne who I share my homesickness musings with.

4. To cut down on my spendings. haha. I know my priorities now. Though I will still treat myself from time to time.

I think thats it. I will jot down more when definely!